Carla
Some facts first:
1. During the summer I taught English at a "summer camp".
2. The program's mission is to assist [students] in the successful completion of high school, and post secondary education.
3. It was catered towards at-risk children.
4. This was my first foray into teaching.
~
One the first day, I was more than likely late and I wore hot pink. I remember being incredibly nervous and fearful that the students would not like me or worse respect me. For some reason I just scream "total mega bitch" and if I don't, then it oozes through my pores. I'm very aware of this particular fact and I have yet to wield it to my (express) benefit and more importantly to the mutual success of others. In general, I find meeting people/peers to be stressful, so I'm not certain how I convinced myself that I should be in a Position of Authority, but I did.
"Good morning everyone, I'm so and so and I'm here to teach English. Does everyone know what an outline is?"
Yes everyone did, but of course I had to pull teeth to get a response. That's find. I want something, I work towards it. We covered beaucoup de rudimentary stuff: "Can you tell me what foreshadowing is?" And because I didn't write the syllabus, we did some personal development that is too cheesy and painful to mock. It was all very rocky and groggy as class started at 8:00 am. In June.
"So, who are you?" (This is me trying to relate.)
"I'm Carla."
"And you?"
"I'm George...Carla's brother."
Oh
"And you sir?" (I'm laughable.)
"I'm Cesar. Carla's and George's cousin."
Facepalm. Full House. Three against the One.
"Well would you like to share something about yourselves?" (This is after I've gone into too much detail about yours truly.)
I had to marvel at the, "not right now" response which was a step above the ever-deflatable "no" and the equally taunting, "there's nothing to share."
Ultimately, I was struck with Carla's response as she essentially declared herself as a cipher. But overjoyed that she wasn't as clueless as Bella. In fact, she had quite the mouth though nothing besides impertinence ever flowed. Maybe once she turned an assignment in-- twelve days late. But I didn't want to give-up on the girl and she looked like my sister with shades on. Plus she always had this attitude like "People quit on me."
I will confess that I spent too much time fixating on idk trying to befriend her??? at the expense of the other students.
Wow. This is a really busy day. Let's flash forward and keep in mind that I tried -not tirelessly- to be a role model and to breakdown this family of familial joys' defenses. Particularly with Carla as I am a bumbling idiot and would never ever deem myself the appropriate figure to teach an adolescent male how to be a cis "man." How to not be a douche? Maybe. How to be a decent human being? Okay!
The Holy Smackdown from WTFuckery I was Looking Right (heyyy) and You came Left from out Some Guy's Asshole
How could I have known? *le sigh* Let's go in reverse for a second. The organization is mandated to complete X hours of community service. To go off on a tangent (come with), it is an excellent way to imbue the spirit of togetherness and to instill pride. However, things go wrong and prejudices are lurking. Even when we hold hands and sing kumbayah.
To paint the scene: In a dingy thrift store sponsored by the Catholic Charities of Dallas, thirty or so students huddle around the entrancing wishing "Miss" would let them mill about. Some chat excitedly in groups others shy away on their lonesome, but all wear blue shirts waiting to volunteer. Begrudgingly. Miss is wearing yellow.
Unidentified older male: "You three, 1, 2, 3, go to the back and sort through the donations."
Odd. You mean the three young ladies that you're segregating because you deem them fit for "women's work" because they're all Mexican, pretty, and seem like they're easy to control and manipulate? That one, two, and three?
"Yes. Come to the back with me."
Miss: "I'm going with you guys!" er lads...chicas.
Now to clarify, I'm not accusing this guy of being a pedophilia. I am unfailing accusing him of sexism of the most blatant variety. I get that the dynamic within the Mexican culture is more accepting to traditional (ew) gender roles, but not on my fucking watch.
*Red herring/flash mob*
You know, I'm old for twenty-three. I instantaneously recognized that guy's actions as misogynistic and the damages of telling young girls that their gifts are best used to fold laundry. But, if you're young and inexperience and deeply-attached-to-your-family/tradition
And that you grow to hate me.
*mourning*
"She hates me."
"Her brother hates me." (other reasons.)
"Her cousin hates me." (because his cousins hate me.)
This is a nightmare.
I'm still trying.
"Carla you are invaluable! Did you hear me?"
"I don't have to listen to you."
"Carla you can be an anything you want! Carla you're the bomb.com! Carla you're worth it! Carla I want the best for you!"
Carla: "You don't even know me." Miss.
Carla?
It wasn't until the very end of the program that I hoisted my white flag. *waves* It wasn't until the second to last week that I got that one assignment. Carla was/is(???) nearly illiterate. How. is this. Possible?
Solemnity.
Dear Students. Dear World,
Education is about self actualization, improvement, and maturation. It's about sharing the gift of knowledge with others. It's about acquiring the skills to speak up and declare: I was here. I have a voice. I have substance. I teach English to eradicate ignorance and cycles of abuse. So that young girls (and dudes) will develop a voice of their own and be able to express themselves instead of being stifled and at the mercy of those who claim to have their best interest at heart.
Have your own interest at heart. Have your own dreams and the confidence to go after them. Be capable.
So that when someone tells my students, "That's all you're good for/you're not good enough" instead of telling that condescending self-involved piece of shit asshole off with vitriolic and boorish comments they can step him or her and boldly state: "You're wrong. I'm smart enough to be X. You don't know anything about me and how dare you unload your misguided presumptions on me. Please leave." So that I never ever have a student tell me "Miss. You don't belong here," because I'm better. What? I belong wherever you are. Always.
And what I wouldn't give to hear Carla's voice.
I hope I never fail again.
1. During the summer I taught English at a "summer camp".
2. The program's mission is to assist [students] in the successful completion of high school, and post secondary education.
3. It was catered towards at-risk children.
4. This was my first foray into teaching.
~
One the first day, I was more than likely late and I wore hot pink. I remember being incredibly nervous and fearful that the students would not like me or worse respect me. For some reason I just scream "total mega bitch" and if I don't, then it oozes through my pores. I'm very aware of this particular fact and I have yet to wield it to my (express) benefit and more importantly to the mutual success of others. In general, I find meeting people/peers to be stressful, so I'm not certain how I convinced myself that I should be in a Position of Authority, but I did.
"Good morning everyone, I'm so and so and I'm here to teach English. Does everyone know what an outline is?"
Yes everyone did, but of course I had to pull teeth to get a response. That's find. I want something, I work towards it. We covered beaucoup de rudimentary stuff: "Can you tell me what foreshadowing is?" And because I didn't write the syllabus, we did some personal development that is too cheesy and painful to mock. It was all very rocky and groggy as class started at 8:00 am. In June.
"So, who are you?" (This is me trying to relate.)
"I'm Carla."
"And you?"
"I'm George...Carla's brother."
Oh
"And you sir?" (I'm laughable.)
"I'm Cesar. Carla's and George's cousin."
Facepalm. Full House. Three against the One.
"Well would you like to share something about yourselves?" (This is after I've gone into too much detail about yours truly.)
I had to marvel at the, "not right now" response which was a step above the ever-deflatable "no" and the equally taunting, "there's nothing to share."
Ultimately, I was struck with Carla's response as she essentially declared herself as a cipher. But overjoyed that she wasn't as clueless as Bella. In fact, she had quite the mouth though nothing besides impertinence ever flowed. Maybe once she turned an assignment in-- twelve days late. But I didn't want to give-up on the girl and she looked like my sister with shades on. Plus she always had this attitude like "People quit on me."
I will confess that I spent too much time fixating on idk trying to befriend her??? at the expense of the other students.
Wow. This is a really busy day. Let's flash forward and keep in mind that I tried -not tirelessly- to be a role model and to breakdown this family of familial joys' defenses. Particularly with Carla as I am a bumbling idiot and would never ever deem myself the appropriate figure to teach an adolescent male how to be a cis "man." How to not be a douche? Maybe. How to be a decent human being? Okay!
The Holy Smackdown from WTFuckery I was Looking Right (heyyy) and You came Left from out Some Guy's Asshole
How could I have known? *le sigh* Let's go in reverse for a second. The organization is mandated to complete X hours of community service. To go off on a tangent (come with), it is an excellent way to imbue the spirit of togetherness and to instill pride. However, things go wrong and prejudices are lurking. Even when we hold hands and sing kumbayah.
To paint the scene: In a dingy thrift store sponsored by the Catholic Charities of Dallas, thirty or so students huddle around the entrancing wishing "Miss" would let them mill about. Some chat excitedly in groups others shy away on their lonesome, but all wear blue shirts waiting to volunteer. Begrudgingly. Miss is wearing yellow.
Unidentified older male: "You three, 1, 2, 3, go to the back and sort through the donations."
Odd. You mean the three young ladies that you're segregating because you deem them fit for "women's work" because they're all Mexican, pretty, and seem like they're easy to control and manipulate? That one, two, and three?
"Yes. Come to the back with me."
Miss: "I'm going with you guys!" er lads...chicas.
Now to clarify, I'm not accusing this guy of being a pedophilia. I am unfailing accusing him of sexism of the most blatant variety. I get that the dynamic within the Mexican culture is more accepting to traditional (ew) gender roles, but not on my fucking watch.
*Red herring/flash mob*
You know, I'm old for twenty-three. I instantaneously recognized that guy's actions as misogynistic and the damages of telling young girls that their gifts are best used to fold laundry. But, if you're young and inexperience and deeply-attached-to-your-family/tradition
And that you grow to hate me.
*mourning*
"She hates me."
"Her brother hates me." (other reasons.)
"Her cousin hates me." (because his cousins hate me.)
This is a nightmare.
I'm still trying.
"Carla you are invaluable! Did you hear me?"
"I don't have to listen to you."
"Carla you can be an anything you want! Carla you're the bomb.com! Carla you're worth it! Carla I want the best for you!"
Carla: "You don't even know me." Miss.
Carla?
It wasn't until the very end of the program that I hoisted my white flag. *waves* It wasn't until the second to last week that I got that one assignment. Carla was/is(???) nearly illiterate. How. is this. Possible?
Solemnity.
Dear Students. Dear World,
Education is about self actualization, improvement, and maturation. It's about sharing the gift of knowledge with others. It's about acquiring the skills to speak up and declare: I was here. I have a voice. I have substance. I teach English to eradicate ignorance and cycles of abuse. So that young girls (and dudes) will develop a voice of their own and be able to express themselves instead of being stifled and at the mercy of those who claim to have their best interest at heart.
Have your own interest at heart. Have your own dreams and the confidence to go after them. Be capable.
So that when someone tells my students, "That's all you're good for/you're not good enough" instead of telling that condescending self-involved piece of shit asshole off with vitriolic and boorish comments they can step him or her and boldly state: "You're wrong. I'm smart enough to be X. You don't know anything about me and how dare you unload your misguided presumptions on me. Please leave." So that I never ever have a student tell me "Miss. You don't belong here," because I'm better. What? I belong wherever you are. Always.
And what I wouldn't give to hear Carla's voice.
I hope I never fail again.
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