Nothing Gets Between Me and My Calvins...

...EXCEPT FOR MY WEIGHT GAIN


1. Calvin Klein's
About two years ago I was very interested in owning a pair of fringe cut-off jeans. I wanted them to be high waisted, very 90s, and sort of like the pair my roommate had. Well her's came from that God-awful store Urban Outfitters and there was just no way in Hades I was going to waste my barely-hard-earned cash there. So, I went to my local Good Will store and scored a pair of Calvin's for pennies. Or more like a couple hundred pennies. Whatever.

Well, I returned to dormitory (aka diseased, shit hole) and tried the pants on. My mom always freaks out that I try on 'dirty clothes' but that's because she's never worked in retail. If she had, she would know just how icky all clothes are. But I digress, so I fangled them on, and the fit was PERFECT. Seriously, it was love.

Then one day, I bent down and the knee ripped. Oh shit.

Then I started working-out and those loverboys slipped right back on like silk. It was hot. And it was less hot when my skivvy boss complimented on the improved fit. So ew.

Then about a month ago, I needed to get ready in hurry and I was, "Duh! Trusty CK Jeans." Well things got a little OH MY GOD IT'S THE ARMAGEDDON. My babies, my pride and joy, would not go over my mutton thighs. I think my look upon discovery could be described as HOLY CRAPOLA. WHY DID I HAVE TO EAT SO MANY DONUTS! nomnomnomnomnom. With enough shame to make a puritan question if I were (subjunctive??) okay, I wrestled my way out of the jeans, folded them delicately, and put them in the back, deserted corner of my closet.

In case you're wondering, my family was very callous and did not send their condolences or attend the burial at the lost of my cherished pants. Very rude people.

Moving on, as you can imagine, I was torn to shreds. Heartbroken. Left battered and alone...without pants. I fell into an incredible retarded downward spiral and took to eating more donuts and watching Netflix. Although I was content (or least not crying and asking hysterically WHY ME) to wallow in my excess, vacuous fat, I happened upon the Netflix suggestion Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.

I watched it. I was inspired. I started juicing. I started working-out. I stopped juicing (this tale will be told in the future and it will feature a lot of LOL). I continued to work-out.

Two days ago, or maybe one and a half,--I don't remember--I tried on my one true love...and MAGIC nearly happened!

I was able to somewhat, without applying deadly force, get the jeans up and over my thighs and I was one inch away from being able to button them. It was an emotional time in my life, and very special. Super special in fact.

SO HOLD ON BABIES!!! MOMMA'S COMING!!!!!

I am *THIS* Much Closer to the Bakery Section

An update. I rolled over a mosquito in bed, but it was too late--the damage was done. The left side of my body, from neck to foot, itches. ETA: I forgot about a bite and shaved over it. Ow!

Reasons Why I Left FB & Why I'm Likely Never to Return

Greetings.
In no particular order, a list of grievances:

•  Apps like "Girls Around Me." And every other app ever.
• The fact that my privacy controls often reset themselves. Magic and shit.
• Too many updates and I just don't care to acclimate myself.
• The "People You May Know" feature. I do know them and I also really dislike them too.
• That people I haven't personally contacted in X years, have access to my on goings.
• Petty: FB deleted some my of interests. (Listen here, I decide when I stop liking something.)
• The need for validation FB creates. (Oh pleaze like this status. And this picture. And this trip I went to. etc.)
• The obsession and mindlessness of FB culture. (let's all casually stalk people when the moment stikes & when it doesn't too.)
• That may account goes back 6 years. (I don't even care what I was doing when I was eighteen)
• "Employers" aka nosy sons of bitches want to see "the real me." (yeah rite, get the fuck out of here)
• That ridiculous movie. I don't care if it made a million, kajillion dollar dollar dollar bills. It's stupid.
• Cyber bullying. It's endemic and it's disgusting. Let's make a pact to stop.
• Data sharing. I was totally okay until they told everyone that I like getting ______ by _____ with ______.
• Some people are just fucking idiots and don't know how to act. I can't handle that.
• Gossip-y bullshit: use email you tactless bitch.
• Having to delete people when friendships go awry (You know who you are. :D  )
• Not deleting people when friendships go awry. (errr...that comment I made? Oops.)
• Relationship drama. Friendship drama. Parental drama.
• Super wack advertisement. omG, I just went on Macy's and volia and ad for Macy's. This shits on point. So kewl.
• Because I wanted to and I can do whatever I want.

Reasons I'll come back: Because I love my profile pictures? The holidays.


Very soon I intend to permanently delete my FB. And I mean by hand. Like delete all my friends and as many posts that I can. I'm so fed up with that site. It's pathetic. ETA: I posted this on my FB page which I reactivated for April Fools Day.