Nothing Gets Between Me and My Calvins...

...EXCEPT FOR MY WEIGHT GAIN


1. Calvin Klein's
About two years ago I was very interested in owning a pair of fringe cut-off jeans. I wanted them to be high waisted, very 90s, and sort of like the pair my roommate had. Well her's came from that God-awful store Urban Outfitters and there was just no way in Hades I was going to waste my barely-hard-earned cash there. So, I went to my local Good Will store and scored a pair of Calvin's for pennies. Or more like a couple hundred pennies. Whatever.

Well, I returned to dormitory (aka diseased, shit hole) and tried the pants on. My mom always freaks out that I try on 'dirty clothes' but that's because she's never worked in retail. If she had, she would know just how icky all clothes are. But I digress, so I fangled them on, and the fit was PERFECT. Seriously, it was love.

Then one day, I bent down and the knee ripped. Oh shit.

Then I started working-out and those loverboys slipped right back on like silk. It was hot. And it was less hot when my skivvy boss complimented on the improved fit. So ew.

Then about a month ago, I needed to get ready in hurry and I was, "Duh! Trusty CK Jeans." Well things got a little OH MY GOD IT'S THE ARMAGEDDON. My babies, my pride and joy, would not go over my mutton thighs. I think my look upon discovery could be described as HOLY CRAPOLA. WHY DID I HAVE TO EAT SO MANY DONUTS! nomnomnomnomnom. With enough shame to make a puritan question if I were (subjunctive??) okay, I wrestled my way out of the jeans, folded them delicately, and put them in the back, deserted corner of my closet.

In case you're wondering, my family was very callous and did not send their condolences or attend the burial at the lost of my cherished pants. Very rude people.

Moving on, as you can imagine, I was torn to shreds. Heartbroken. Left battered and alone...without pants. I fell into an incredible retarded downward spiral and took to eating more donuts and watching Netflix. Although I was content (or least not crying and asking hysterically WHY ME) to wallow in my excess, vacuous fat, I happened upon the Netflix suggestion Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead.

I watched it. I was inspired. I started juicing. I started working-out. I stopped juicing (this tale will be told in the future and it will feature a lot of LOL). I continued to work-out.

Two days ago, or maybe one and a half,--I don't remember--I tried on my one true love...and MAGIC nearly happened!

I was able to somewhat, without applying deadly force, get the jeans up and over my thighs and I was one inch away from being able to button them. It was an emotional time in my life, and very special. Super special in fact.

SO HOLD ON BABIES!!! MOMMA'S COMING!!!!!

I am *THIS* Much Closer to the Bakery Section

An update. I rolled over a mosquito in bed, but it was too late--the damage was done. The left side of my body, from neck to foot, itches. ETA: I forgot about a bite and shaved over it. Ow!

Reasons Why I Left FB & Why I'm Likely Never to Return

Greetings.
In no particular order, a list of grievances:

•  Apps like "Girls Around Me." And every other app ever.
• The fact that my privacy controls often reset themselves. Magic and shit.
• Too many updates and I just don't care to acclimate myself.
• The "People You May Know" feature. I do know them and I also really dislike them too.
• That people I haven't personally contacted in X years, have access to my on goings.
• Petty: FB deleted some my of interests. (Listen here, I decide when I stop liking something.)
• The need for validation FB creates. (Oh pleaze like this status. And this picture. And this trip I went to. etc.)
• The obsession and mindlessness of FB culture. (let's all casually stalk people when the moment stikes & when it doesn't too.)
• That may account goes back 6 years. (I don't even care what I was doing when I was eighteen)
• "Employers" aka nosy sons of bitches want to see "the real me." (yeah rite, get the fuck out of here)
• That ridiculous movie. I don't care if it made a million, kajillion dollar dollar dollar bills. It's stupid.
• Cyber bullying. It's endemic and it's disgusting. Let's make a pact to stop.
• Data sharing. I was totally okay until they told everyone that I like getting ______ by _____ with ______.
• Some people are just fucking idiots and don't know how to act. I can't handle that.
• Gossip-y bullshit: use email you tactless bitch.
• Having to delete people when friendships go awry (You know who you are. :D  )
• Not deleting people when friendships go awry. (errr...that comment I made? Oops.)
• Relationship drama. Friendship drama. Parental drama.
• Super wack advertisement. omG, I just went on Macy's and volia and ad for Macy's. This shits on point. So kewl.
• Because I wanted to and I can do whatever I want.

Reasons I'll come back: Because I love my profile pictures? The holidays.


Very soon I intend to permanently delete my FB. And I mean by hand. Like delete all my friends and as many posts that I can. I'm so fed up with that site. It's pathetic. ETA: I posted this on my FB page which I reactivated for April Fools Day.

(Sane) Mad Men Preferred

I can't believe it was just yesterday that I watched the premiere. Or the day before since it's now past midnight. Overall, there was some things I liked and there were something that appalled me. I was especially happy to learn that Kiss aired on AMC.com (thanks for that tidbit I33), less this post would not be happening. Cut for spoilers.

The Children:
The ongoing oedipal complex Sally has with her father has to boil over soon. Though well done, it's getting ridiculous. Creeper vibes aside, I'm sad that Glenn's out of her life--he was a nice foil for Ms. Sally. When Eugene called out "bye daddy," I thought I'd pee my pants. I didn't which is great. Season four had world's best dad bitching about Eugene's paternal recognizance. I don't know why because Don Draper always wins.

Megan:
I've never wanted singing skillz more badly in my life. Her party number (both song choice & attire) were awesomesauce. I'm begrudgingly impressed by her character development. I was expecting something vapid, weak-will, and similar to carpet. She was surprisingly gun-ho, infinitely relatable, and somewhat apace to her husband. Things I did not like include her spat with Peggy. The dialogue fell apart for me and I wasn't even sure what the fuck she was complaining about. I know Peggy wasn't sure either as she sought out Don Draper in utter confusion. What I especially detested was how her anger devolved into sexual frustration. Huh? Sex as a weapon has never seemed so contrived. You think in fifteen months they would've developed something better. As usual, Don Draper wins.

Pete & Peggy
*coddles them* How bizzaro was it to see them argue over the baby? I can't even imagine all the bad mojo that baby had to withstand. Poor kid. Pete: two thumbs way up my ahole. No. That's rude. Although in a poorer neighborhood, he sure is growing up. I like that he's thinking and I sincerely hope that he can get all the good things at once. Peggy: I'm happy she was still with Abe??? She was on screen for like 5 minutes...3 of them listening to Megan whine.

Other Partners:
My heart nearly burst when Robert Morse was listed as a cast member. I love old men--they remind me of all the oppression I've faced in life. Roger Sterling had to wake up early for once in his life. Too bad Joan has to do that everyday. You'll get no sympathy from me. Pryce is getting is flirt on and I likes. I hope this season we learn how/why/apjaikni his father beat the shit out of him. Obviously, everyone knows that clients go to SCDP (and little c) for Don Draper, so he is the definite champion.

People of Color:
Holy cow batman. It's a Christmas miracle. I have to give the creators extra kudos for incorporating blacks into the series. There was no feasible way non-whites could've entered Don Draper's world without the aid of comedy (water bombs) in a professional capacity. Seriously well done. Don Draper's ad saves the day.

Don Draper:
Please don't ever stop being Don Draper. If you do, just think about how your wife doesn't love Dick Whitman. It's true, she said it to your face because she's a moron. I regret her actions for her. Please forgive us, Don Draper. You're the only one who could absolve us. We beg of you on our hands and knees in black lingerie.


Anywho, my mother is a serious sweet talker, and she got Time Warner to give us premium cable for free. Hopefully, that will be up & running by Sunday...if not until Monday.

Staring at Walls Amuses Me

Good news. I'm not wearing pants.

I know what you're thinking and that's: how could that possibly be of any benefit to you? Well, I'm not sure except for the fact that I'm really happy. I haven't been pants free for about two months and I feel like a crack addict that's jump back on the crack wagon. Oh yeah.


Nose Ring
It's been nearly a year since I got my nose pierced. It was a spur of the moment decision spurred by an equally rash act. My friend and I went shopping at the local dollar store and somehow I walked out without paying for my goods. This was a legit accident as we were trying on scarfs and I just forgot to take it off/buy it. So, like all criminals, we decided to extend our dirty, good-for-nothing behavior and get our noses pierced. Flash forward nine months and my nose started itching. Obviously, you can't really scratch a nose piercing, so I took it out and gave my skin some time off. Two days later, I attempted to stick the bad boy back in there no problemo. Reality = Not So. The little fucker had closed up and the PROCESS TO GET IT OPEN SUCKED SO BAD. I get why it's called self-mutilation; it hurts beast mode level 3456449505944. I felt the skin give way as the needle pushed through my nostril. Awful. P.S. I nearly fainted when I first got it.

Sisters
I've got two of them. We had to do some early Spring cleaning and it didn't go well. I went in my sister's room and she was chilling on the bed reading. I said "USJP what, what are you doing? How come you aren't cleaning your room?" Her response: because it's boring. I was baffled. Sometimes I forget that they're's (don't look at my grammar) a ten year age gap and the resulting disparity. It's super irritating.


Paranormal Shit
I'm still obsessed with True Blood. I wish I had HBO so that I could watch the fourth season On Demand. I dream about it (yes, about having HBO). The guys are so hot and nekkid (win!).  However, the show is easily one of the more laughable/farcical series on television. Many times it crosses the ridiculous line, and often it fails in the realm of plausibility and continuity. Bon Temps marches to its own beat and I'm the lead cheerleader.

When I want to put the pom poms down, I watch True B Being Human. Now that is a superbulous show through and through. I'm head over heels for the character Sam. Sam is a werewolf and an asshole. If I had to describe my feelings for that character I would start with exasperated and end with wanting to ripe his head off and wearing it as a pendant on my necklace. It's sublime how real and personable the actor's portrayal is as I feel that way about half of the people in my life.

Sob Story
I wasn't really left at the altar, but I was left. Three days ago, my friend celebrated her twenty-fourth birthday. Five days ago, she sent me an email with a place and time. I didn't respond. The day of the party, I told her I wouldn't make it to the dinner, but that I could attend the festivities afterwards. On the phone, we confirmed where I was to hook-up with the party. Almost dressed to kill (because I'm lazy) I made my way over to the stated location. I told my ride to leave and I went into the restaurant. Nobody was there. I told the concierge that my phone wouldn't fit in my purse and asked if I could use the house phone. He consented. I called my friend. She told me they had switched the location. No one bothered to tell me and she told me that "we're cutting the cake and we'll be over there to get you in fifteen minutes."

Alright, that's not so bad. Except I waited for over and hour and half for someone to come get me. It was humiliating and so unbelievably embarrassing to be in that situation. I just couldn't believe that I was stranded while they were celebrating. That all my friends were partying and completely not giving a fuck about me and more than likely mocking my situation (haha, Kandy doesn't drive, have a phone, or a job, or boyfriend or etc.).  I cried.

I just couldn't believe how insensitive they (like fifteen people) were and I ruined my make-up (no pictures). I don't know what to do or how to feel about it. Allz I know is that they're definitely not invited to my party on March first and I sure the fuck am not going to their's (at least any time soon). I feel a little bitchy for thinking that, but I have anxiety just thinking about hanging out with them again. Any who, what would you do? I can't even figure out what Jesus would do in such a situation.

Apples and Bananas
You know that one quote about "never fighting with an idiot because they'll just drag you down and beat you with experience?" I am currently trying WITH ALL MY MIGHT to put it to practice. Here's the 411--kind of. I'm going to use an analogy to protect the identity of the stupid.
Me: Hey person X can you got the grocery store and get me seven oranges?
Person X: Sure no problem. I'd love too. Glad you asked! :) *goes to grocery store*
Me: Cool beans playah, playah.
*Person X returns from running errands.*
Person X: Hey, I'm back from the market. I wish you had told me how many oranges you wanted.
Me: Okay, thanks!!
End Scene
Huh??? What the fuck are you talking about? Does the word SEVEN not have a numerical value where you come from??  What is this?  Why are you allowed to breed? Please go back to whichever backwards, infested with dumb bitches planet that you came from and NEVER TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN. *throws tantrum*

My Sister *Almost* Died

Gifts of the Poetic Nature

Yesterday, I was reading some poetry aloud with my sister in the room. She tempted me with three topics: depression (huh?), Joyful, and Wildlife.





~Palm Leaves~
I prefer lush, green grass wet from sprinklers.
Maybe even high grade AstroTurf
to avoid worms
and bugs
and dirt

because I'd like to stay clean.

I don't care for the Sahara or tall stalks of
bleached yellow weeds were lions
roam and zebras prance and
hippopotamus
submerge themselves

underwater kind of like how I do
when I'm being wild
and living my life.

And wearing shades so that
the hot sun doesn't burn me.


Sweet Sweet Poetry