50 Questions

So I was reading a blog and I came across a *must do* questionnaire. I did it and I've posted my responses here.

tl;dr

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

17—that’s the last time I remember growing in a positive direction or 22 because I haven’t fully assimilated the lessons of my younger years.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Failing, definitely failing. You can always imagine new ways of how you didn’t do X, but you’re stuck with the same, tired story of how you did Z.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Priorities. I’m convinced that many things we have to do we do not like to do e.g. chores. Also, we haven’t figured out ways to validate mandatory acts as worthwhile and/or fun. I don’t like brushing my teeth, but I do like listening to music.  à la I brush teeth while listening to music à la an enjoyable experience aka win-win.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

So far I’m on the side of lipservice, but I’m tired of it. I want to ‘do.’ And I want my heart to race (literally like 150 bpm) because of the excitement inherent in action.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

More kindness.

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Dancing, chatting, making people laugh, being in love.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I’m trying to do what I believe in, but I keep encountering roadblocks. I’ve settled somewhat in the hiatus, but I’m slowly revitalizing myself. And I’m dreaming bigger.

8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I’d embrace my sexuality by having more affairs. I spend my time making those less fortunate more fortunate.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Too much. Some of the decisions I made seemed so minor and they come back and bite me in the ass majorly.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing things right. I’ve always had an easier time figuring out the ‘right thing,’ to do and I’ve always struggled with how to do things in general. I’m awkward and naïve that way.

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

Tell them she is my friend. Try to figure out why they dislike her so and if possible act as mediator.

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

To be careful. I don’t know. The world is a messy place and it just doesn’t care. However, I would want to say something more ‘positively enforcing.’ I guess the best advice I could give is that I love him/her and to never give-up or be mean.

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Absolutely.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yes. The more I learned about art, the more beauty I saw where I once only saw chaos.

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

My ritual for going to bed. Studying: I write everything on one sheet of paper and study off that for each test for any subject. I hate wasting paper and I wouldn’t dream of bothering myself with the ‘task’ of flipping pages.

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

 Sometimes, my happiness is more of a private moment. Like something affects me personally and I get joy from that…I can’t expect my life experience to be similar to other peoples so it just goes to say that I can’t expect people to become ‘happy’ from the same things.

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?

Ugh, I can only think of romantic thingies!! But, I’m sure inexperience is the hugest culprit in my life.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

So many things. My past hurts and especially guilt.

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

I’m not sure. I ask myself this every time I watch House Hunters: International. I know some place warm where English isn’t the first language.

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Anyone who knows me knows that I have no restraint when it comes to things that don’t matter. I don’t think it goes faster (er did anyone?) except I wish it did.

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Really?? A joyful simpleton…they have their problems too and most of them are solvable. Their sincerity and naivety is a form of brilliance.

22. Why are you, you?

Because I can’t be anyone else. Because I refuse to back down and be molded into a caricature of myself. It hurts to suppress yourself and it hurts to be oppressed. I am me because I live with my decisions and I feel my emotions and I battle with my past and my sins. I am me because of my smile because of the way I dance crazily when no one is looking. Because of the private rituals I’ve built for myself and because of the hopes that wake me up in the morning and the dreams that guide me in my sleep. I am me because even when I don’t want to be me, I am still me.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

To a fault. I think that’s why I felt/feel so much pain when friendships fall apart.

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

I’m actively going through this, and I can say when a good friend moves away. If me and ‘neighbor’ can’t make it happen then what’s the point? Our friendship isn’t nearly as secure as we thought it was.

25. What are you most grateful for?

My mother.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Easy. lose all my old ones 1.) because they’re old and sometimes painful 2.) because you should live everyday as if were your last, ‘remember not those former things.’

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

A priori knowledge, basic instinct, and woman’s intuition are ways of knowing the truth without experience.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?

I feel like it has.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

Yes.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

I remember being in church and I was wearing this red polka dotted dress. I must’ve been like 2 years old and my uncle picked me up and twirled me around. I felt to so happy and giddy and cherished.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

Lately. When I think about the plight of other women I feel capable and an urgent need to act.

32. If not now, then when?

Thought you had me didn’t ya? :D

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

I’ve got nothing to lose, but I know that this new found passion is well new and that I need to crystallize it first. I’ve never appreciated the unlearned.

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

*hugest smile ever* twice. My friend and I were making plans in silence and strictly using non-verbal communication. Another time I remember sitting in my professor’s office studying and we didn’t exchange a word. At first it was terribly awkward, but as we relax it was very peaceful.

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

I think this is a loaded question and that the terms are conflated. People don’t want to take the time to liberate religion because it’s easier to blame a deity than it is to take responsibility for their actions. For centuries the Catholic Church misused their power and that doesn’t make Catholicism wrong or evil or belligerent. It makes the people in power corrupt and greedy and uninterested in the very philosophy that gives them power.

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Yes. I’m a believer. I have doubt about some things and certainty about others.

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

Maybe if it was a multi-million dollar jackpot.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More enjoyable work. See Q&A 3. I love activity and I think kinetic is the sexiest word in the dictionary. There’s nothing hotter than movement.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Ugh. Am working on this.

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

I’ve always done this. I think every person has the right to express themselves.

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

My nephew. Some cuties. I would want to make things ‘right,’ but I think a better use of time would be to spend it with love ones.

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

FUCK NO.

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

So much. Being happy and satisfied. Trying new things and being accepting of yourself and others.

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When someone is in danger of being victimized. If it’s theoretical then idk, keep thinking about it until A is A and B is B.

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because mistakes are more than their lesson. They are painful and it isn’t certain that you’ll learn anything to begin with.

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I’d be more revealing in all the ways that people can be revealing. Sometimes I’m extremely self-conscious and my doubts about being judge and found lacking scare me away from living boldly.

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

Haha. My friend give me a bumper sticker that said “stop breathing so hard.” I’m very aware of my breathing.

48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

Hard question. Most come back to this soonish.

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

I won’t remember exactly, but this has been a down period in my life.

50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I bit of both.