Ten Proverbs that Keep Me Sane

1. Do Whatever Is Necessary To Trust Yourself

     

When I was a teenager I used to be dishonest with myself and with others. The garbage coming out of my mouth was no good and I was left with a nasty aftertaste (like stale poptarts). So, I took to the straight and narrow path, began telling the truth, (! you don't have to be offensive/brash/candid to be honest) and trying to do "the right thing for the right reasons." Overtime, I gained a positive self image and self-confidence because I knew I was doing my best to be the best person I could be.

2. Take Time To Chillax

It's far too easy to be boggle with mindless task as well as with checklists, Major-Look-At-Me-Projects and concentrate on upward mobility. There is a place and time for endless/ruthless ambition and there is the minor snag that we are not robots. Willpower is a finite resource. I simply cannot do everything all the time. I need to relax. So sometimes I take a deep breath, do a questionable yoga pose, drink a mai tai at the beach, or languidly count to ten to remind myself that I am human and no where near omnipotent. 

3. Forgo Generic Excuses For Justifications That Are Personal To You

Nobody wants to do their homework! Nobody wants to vacuum! Nobody wants to wake up early! These duties might as well be coded into our automatic nervous system with breathing. Menial labor needs to happen or your family will put on Hoarders: Buried Alive. Simply not wanting to do something that everyone else doesn't want to do, is special pleading. I try to find a valid reason to not do or to do anything that I'm less than gung-ho about doing (or not doing). There can be a purpose to every action. You have to be willing to find it.

4. Listen With Grace

I accept compliments with grace AND I try to accept criticisms with even more grace. When I'm receiving compliments and criticisms I know it is not the time for my feathers to be ruffled. It is the time to accept that I am doing something well or to accept that perhaps I need to do something better [be wary of hypercritical bastards]. At the end of the day, I know that I can accept whatever is stated to be true or just forget about it. It's up to me to respond in a way in which I keep my composure. Aside, if all else fails and you can't help but roll ur eyes like #yeahbitchwhatever #sorrybutnotsorry sashay away. Nobody pays me or you to listen.

5. Just Say You're Sorry

Impact will always triumph over Intent for me. Always. There is no need to walk on eggshells or be PC- the human experience is much too vast to constantly worry about offending someone-you will. The trick I use is recognizing which is more important: getting my point across or being empathic to the power of my words. If I have to offend someone I want that shit to be on purpose; I don't want to be known as having a lose tongue. It is a reflection upon myself as to what kind of public speaker I am and how well I communication my message that is the problem not the interpretation (communications 101). And yes, there are oversensitive people who are special snowflakes with special feelingz with special needs and special specials. But, forgiveness is up to the slighted, all I can do is say I'm sorry and change for the better. Likewise, all I can do is accept an apology as genuine.

6. The Question is "Why Not" Not "Why"

This proverb is more about power dynamics and the nags in my life. Sometimes I'll have an idea/scheme/solution/plan/other synonyms that a hater will come along and question. They'll try to paint me into a corner to defend my dreams. This is tacky thing to do especially given that they could theoretically assist in working out inconsistencies. Except no, sometimes people chose to be a skeptical asshat.The tactic I employ is to ask "why not?" I make them defend and spell out all their reasons for why they don't believe in me, why they think it's a silly idea, why they're faithless, why they're not on board with my vision, why yellow is blue, why I should stick with the ABCs and forget about the 123s. Everybody in the whole wide world needs to explain to me why I am not capable of X. I do not need to search my "inner heart" and find reasons to belittle myself and my dreams. So the next time someone is like "meh, I don't know." Be like, "why the fuck not ?"

7. Celebrate Good News

Puppies. Babies. The new season of Orange is the New Black. Shit you don't care about, but that someone shared with you anyways (Hi, not interested aaannnddd you knew that about me). I do my best to take a moment and congratulate the world on getting something right. I know that not everything good in the world is going to happen directly to me. Some days, the only seemingly good that will happen is me smiling at someone else's good fortune. Fight jealousy and envy. Be happy for others. Let them know their happiness matters to you. Praise baby Jesus. Throw a party. Give someone a high-five. Give me a high-five.

8. Put The Day Away

The luster of perfection has ruined a many of days. Some days I wake up on the wrong side of bed, get into a nasty argument, wallow in self-pity read: eat an entire family sized bag of cheetohs, forgot to pay a bill, etc. Other days, I find twenty dollars on the street, run into an old friend, eat an entire family sized bag of cheetohs, etc. No matter what happens, before I go to bed I say to myself, "I did the best that I could do with this day." Even if I didn't, the day is over and I cannot undo any actions done. That day is what that day is. There is no point in regret.

9. Have All Of The Feelings Ever

I encourage feeling ones feelings. I try to experience each feeling that I have to best of that feeling's capacities. Then I tell myself that they are just feelings. Feelings are emotional feedback to everyday experiences. They are not my world and they do not control me. If I feel angry then that signifies that I need to act. If I feel sad then that is the expression of an unfavorable outcome. If I feel rage then someone has crossed my boundaries. My feelings guide me through life. When I start my internal engine I check my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. I don't go miles and miles and miles without an inspection. These things can be recalibrated for smoother sailings. They aren't finalized. They're fluid and ever complex. I can grow to manage my emotions.

10. All You Need is Love

I know deep within my soul to places undiscovered that I am loved. I know with every inkling of fire in my spirit that I am worthy. I know that I am a beautiful presence on this earth. Know these unshakable things about yourself. Insecurities are no match for the incontrovertible truths about the nature of mankind. Never feel unloved. Never feel worthless. It isn't true. It can never be true.

A Morning Song

In memory of Maya Angelou



Looking out mother's window, I imagine a day without hope. Immediately the brightness that qualifies life is darkened. My shoulders sag low into the valley of desolation. My fingers crumple under the weariness of aimless toils. My train of thought sputters the congested cough of an ailing man ready to crossover into an equally hopeless plane of hopelessness.

Above me, aspirations tumble from the sky were wishes once came true.

Should Your Curiosity Be Piqued

I wonder if you know where your beauty arises?
I wonder if you know why I love you?
I wonder if the happiness that your life has granted me makes you proud?

The reasons are as fixed as the sinking sun and the soft tide of the ocean on my cassette tape that ushers me off to sleep. As pure as my own impish wink or the virgins we pretend to be for our overbearing mothers. As complex as the algebra homework I paid someone else to do. As real as the unicorns that prance across my mind in fields of emeralds.

The reason you're beautiful is because you are you.
The reason I love you is because you are you.
The reason I am happy is because you are you.

On bad hair days, on days when you wakeup on the wrong side of the bed, on days you wear shades inside, on days I want to disown you, on days when everything goes to shit, on days your attitude is majestically unbearable, on days bad news is delivered, on days you can barely smile, on days when the fight is hardly evident, on days when up is down and down is up, on days shrouded in gloom. On all the days we breath.

Your beauty abides.
Your worth abides.
Teddy bears celebrate you.
Reasons compound to love you.
And I will always be proud of you.
                   (Unless you become a crazy bitch then probably not, but still maybe-fish).

The Roof Above Me

I tried to return to home on January third. Saddled with too much luggage, I got off the train hailing a grand taxi for half a dirham more than the actual price. Two additional cab rides and several halfhearted waves later I arrived at the village I had done my best to create my home. I walked along a dirt path stopping to buy some triangles of cheese, up a flight of unlit stairs, and put my key into the lock turning it counterclockwise to allow myself entry.

I made it inside, but somewhere between the threshold and the confusion that had collapsed upon me, I faltered.

Auto-pilot. Every morning I made a breakfast of oatmeal, sugared dates, and applesauce. Twice a week I visited the children at the S.O.S Village. Three times a week I sat listlessly at my requisite classes at the Nedi Neswi. Four times a week I exercised at the local gym. Five times a week I shopped at the hanut because staying inside all day would be illogical. Six times a week I climbed out of bed though the air and sadness chilled me. Seven times a week I would cry from the grief of those who had injured me reading Psalms 23:1 "The Lord is my shepard, I shall not want."

                Please God, don't let me want anything. In Jesus name amen.

I had only my oatmeal to look forward to and it tasted delicious as I watched piles of dishes amass. Piles of clothes amass. Piles of garbage amass. Needs go unmet. Lifeless words leave my mouth. Necessity subsume fulfillment. Vulnerability overtake strength. Nightmares overpower dreams. Pandemonium take rule.

A Personal Statement as to my Intentions to Reinstate

During my medevac period there was a week in which I experienced heightened panic. Every day from February 9th to the fifteenth my anxiety found ways to debilitate me whether from believing in the abject meaninglessness of being lost or simply being overwhelmed by an aimless stroll in the mall. In between the panics attacks of this baleful week one evening I found myself at the gym.

I wanted to test the hypothesis that exercise relieved stress. What I ended up doing was listening to Rihanna's Umbrella. One typically boring, suffocating night over the summer NCA and I had sung to each other over the telephone. It was my first time doing such a thing. It was an oddly delicate thing to do; the idea just popped into my head and the conversion from thought to almost melodious synchronization was magical. There is a part of me that thoroughly enjoys fits of frivolous fancy. It is the ease of laughter that diminishes barriers and encourages acceptance and yes, being stuffy (read: so dull) can foster an environment of positivity, but I'd rather be a deviously twinkling light in the world ready to do something silly and reach the sheltered places of those under duress.

So I listened to Rihanna singing in the key of I-don't-know-what at the top of my vocal cords allowing my thoughts to wander to futures unknown and to the gaiety and pain of past events. Settling myself down memory lane guided by the tunes of ella ella eh eh under my umbrella I tried to find reason in the chaos that precluded my medevac.

When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'd be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out to the end

On March 27, 2013 I took an oath to serve my nation. Standing beside NCA we made a pledge to protect and defend the constitution. Honestly, I hadn't the slightest clue as to how I could feasibly do that, but to the best of my abilities I promised myself that I would give my all in accomplishing the three goals set forth by Peace Corps.

I Use My Voice to Say

Peace Corps girls are not like other girls.
We fight for our smiles.
When we say 'salam aalakum'
there is no conference of Peace or good tidings,
rather it is returned with malice and shame.

The forgiveness in our heart dies,
and I see the anger in your eyes
that used to sparkle
refuse to cry.
Because if we cried over every hurt
that performing goal one, goal two, goal three
produced with community mapping, camps, clubs, and classes
we wouldn't stop.
And my tears wouldn't reach your tears or her tears or anybody's tears
because this is a self-selected sadness that shrouds us in loneliness.

And our homes have become our prisons,
and our dreams a mockery
and I sit in my house wondering how long can I survive off this one egg?
How long can I survive off this broken promise of change?
How long is too long? How much is too much?


Peace Corps girls are not like other girls.
We fight to not become broken.

I see you struggling.
I see how hard you've become.
I see how you don't trust me anymore.
I place my hand on your heart and the ice chills me.
I feel your fingers pull my hair and I know you don't mean it.
(You could never mean it and moosoomaha)

I see you walking with your head down because heaven forbid you assert yourself.
I see you waiting for your husband to be ready because heaven forbid you show yourself as unwed.

That you've selected Medevac because you're *this close*
to shattering.

But you still hope to put on an amazing program for your dar chebab

with no clue how. with no money. with no counterpart. with nothing but the desire
to make a difference,
to make the sacrifice worth it,
for a split second of joy

even if it's for someone else.

Look you guys! I did an interview!

So I have an amazing, amazing friend by the name SAK (and yes we do have the same initials rearranged and so obviously we're meant to be friends forever) who is doing amazing things with her life and bringing amazement to all those around her. Namely and to the purpose of this post, she is on a journey to showcase "black girls around the world" by giving people on the internet a chance to see what life is like in the African diaspora via the perspective of well, black girls (c'est moi).

Life is beautiful and flawed. It gives me great joy and great pain. I'm smiling right now while thinking about my life even though I'm troubled at the same time (because duh I'm complex). I could go all day long about my feelings, but I will settle with a quote:

I didn't find any that I liked. Life is like that sometimes.

But on to the interview.  You can find it here at her website: ablackgirlintheworld.

The questions include:

1. What made you move to where you are today? Job? School? Adventure?
2.  How did you prepare for the move? How did you find housing? Did you need to learn a new language? Etc.?
3. Whats the most difficult thing about being a black woman where you are? Blatant racism? no black community? No hair stylist?!
4. On the flip side, what do you LOVE about where you live?
5. How have your friends and family reacted to you moving abroad?
6. Whats next for you? Plans to move back home? More living abroad?   

Happy readings!